You already know what I am going to tell you- but the system of getting a passport issued, your right as a citizen, something we are all encouraged to get, is an....ass.

A passport is not an essential food, clothing issue - I accept, and last year more than 44 lakh of them were issued across the country.

My problem is that going by own experience, most of those passports were procured by a bribe or influence - a system that is rotten and corrupt, and the worst kept secret in a Ministry considered otherwise too sophisticated to be so - the Ministry of External Affairs. Its part of what I call India's Crouching tiger, Hidden Dragon syndrome - each time the Indian tiger seems poised to rise - the dragon takes a swipe at it to let us know just how developed we really are.

According to an MEA ruling in December 2006, one the foreign secretary has made much of - the wait for a passport re-issue is down to "4 working days" - police verification done post-issuance, and only if "there is any negative information concerning an applicant". Ha! And double Ha!

You detect a bitter tone, my fellow citizen - here's my story. Earlier this year, I realised my younger daughter little m's passport needed a renewal - not that we're going anywhere, its just one of those things you need to have handy just in case (tsunami hits the coast and rides up to Delhi, AQ Khan gets control of the Islamic n-bomb again, etc etc).

My eyes light up as I go online to the gleaming newly refurbished passport website. I grab a date when I can get the first appointment 10 am. And wait as the details of little m are uploaded. I am smiling as I wait. "The tiger is primed to pounce," I think.

I am still waiting six months later - the smile I am afraid was wiped off the moment I entered the Regional Passport Office in Delhi.

It takes me nearly three hours to get to the front of the queue (10 am appointment be damned) And the non-online line is about twice as long.

Man behind counter (hereinafter called MBC) looks up at me and says my middle name is missing from the online form - Suhasini Sherene Haidar. Can't he make the changes himself, I ask - but he has already run his pen all over my pristine form. Sorry you'll just have to come back with the middle name entered in. What kind of a name is Suhasini Haidar anyway, he asks (wrinkling his nose)?

I am back shortly after, and then again and again. Mr passport guy doesnt like little m's photograph. "Well," I say, my maternal hackles all raised - shes much cuter than the fubsy faced kids I see on these tv talent shows - but the problem isn't her, its the background behind her - pale blue not acceptable he says, only white will do. Don't suppose Mr "What sort of a name is this" could have told me.

By the time my passport application is accepted, I am close to cracking the system- from paperback reading I am moving to the classics. If you look at the lines around me, the clerks on tea breaks, and the files everywhere- Kafka and Dickens should be required-reading-while-you-wait-in-the-passport-queue.

The man at the counter now assures me the passport will reach my house within a month- even earlier. I should check on the passport status online. Tiger is rising I think- slink off you silly dragon.

My wait is not a month-its not two months, but three months before the status page shows that little m needs a police verication. Hmm i think, recalling the MEA notification- this is a regular re-issue case. But ok- this is the age of terror- and while m is well behaved on the surface i can see where she could be termed suspicious ( she is a bit dodgy about her homework deadlines) So if the cops want to see her before the government can re-issue her proof of citizenship, then habeus corpus. Habeus corpus it is, and for a kid who is being probed so closely and has clearly inspired some "negative information" she is admirably nonchalant.

As I watch, the file on little m is growing- something like what the KGB must have on 007's M, I think, and there is still no blue booklet with the lions on it in sight.

Little M's Self-potrait

The next time i go online there's a new message for me. Furnish 3 photos attested by a gazetted officer (GO) on the back . A sullen driver informs me after standing in the queue- that photos attested by a GO have to be handed in only by MOM. (thats me , Mother/of m).

I later learn that attestations are only required if you are mailing in the photos- not if you hand them in- but quite clearly Mr. MBC is not telling. As a total aside are my adventures with the attestation itself- each time an officer would stamp the photo, the ink would slick right off. I finally licked the problem by arranging the photos like cookies on a baking tray so they wouldn't smudge before I reach the RPO.

Ha - says MBC looking at the photo-cookies- the GO's signature is illegible. Come back again.

Okay- so I am human. I break. Actually I snap. I send my card into the RPO (Regional Passport officer). I don't want the passport I tell him, I just want to know whats happening with the file. He looks at the file, but even he can't tell.

But I can.

Most people I know go through a travel agent or a tout. It's a well oiled system that ensures each of the MBCs are taken care of. The rates vary- but on an average it costs 2,000 to deposit the passport, 3,000 for to change a detail...10,000 for a passport, no questions asked. When I stand there on my own, not using influence from a bureaucrat, policeman, politician, or a tout, I am effectively subverting their carefully laid procedure. The RPO in front of me is a helpful officer of the Foreign Service, but powerless to change that system. Perhaps that's why he is the fourth RPO posted to the Delhi office in just 2007- and why if you go to worldwide consumer websites like complaintsboard.com etc, you will find hundreds of grievances over Indian passports not delivered for the strangest reasons.

CNN-IBN in fact went one step better some months ago- in a powerful expose the Special Investigations Team procured a birth certificate, a driver's license, a ration card, a voter's ID, income certificates and finally a passport for a man who didn't even exist, Mr. X. The expose elicited some feeble promises of action from officials but not much else.

It's easy to say the system for passports mirrors the rest of India- that the truth is the dragon of corruption and sleaze is more powerful than the rising tiger of 10% growth. But I say, look at the Railway ministry- that issues 40 lakh tickets a day on a mostly computerized system. You can still get a confirmed ticket from a tout by paying a bribe- but equally it is possible to go online, and book and print a confirmed ticket for yourself. If the Railways can do it - then so can you, South Block Mandarins.

So Little M's still waiting for her passport. I don't think the Foreign Ministry should wait any longer.