If there's one class of people I have very little patience with, it's American desis. Call me xenophobic. And tell me it's an uneducated sweeping statement. Say it's a blinkered approach towards one of the most powerful minority lobbies in America. Whatever.

But I'll only repeat myself. I've had a few encounters of the most exasperating kind with the lot of them, and not once have they failed to get my blood boiling, with their maddening condescension.

Like a few months ago, I was travelling in a Manhattan cab with Mr. I-live-on-the-Upper-West-Side, an aquaintance who already rubbed me the wrong way by saying things like, "My visit to India might be fun. Indian girls love rich doctors from America like myself."

Anyway, after a bizarre conversation (which I will not bore you with), he sulked because I refused to invite him to a private family dinner (why he wanted to even attend is beyond me!). The conversation went something like this:

"I'm sure I can come too. Your cousin won't mind. This is America, you silly Indian. There are no formalities."

"No, he won't mind, but I still don't think I can invite other people."

"Why not? I can pay my own way!"

"It's obviously not about the money. I just don't think it's polite to make my own guest list."

(Exasperated, turns away) "Oh God, you Indians! Always standing on ceremony."

Say hello to the second-generation Am Desi and his burning desire to impress upon you he's not Fresh Off The Boat.

If he were to put his idea of India into words, this is what he would say:

-India is monolithically backward. My parents, who left it in the Sixties, say so. I visit once in five years, and after spending my entire holiday, lonely, and holding my nose, am compelled to agree with them.

-Sometimes, I'm proud of being Indian - especially when I read about its nuclear and economic aspirations. But thank the Lord I ain't living there.

-When I meet a fellow Indian (from India), I will do one of two things. Either I will keep my distance because I have to be so archaic at home (which is stuck in the Sixties), I don't want to have to do it outside as well.

Or if I must, I will be amiable. But just in case this Indian gets too comfortable, I must impress upon him/her that I am a better, more fortunate, generally better travelled, better accented, and more debonair version of him/her.

Because I have not seen India evolve. And I don't know this India with the funny accent is more comfortable with West and East, than I have ever been in my years growing up.

Well, you can't blame them if they lead double lives. In a foreign land (where they will always be undeniably foreign), they must balance being both occidental and oriental.

It's a clash of civilizations at a micro level, that naturally leaves room only for black and white. Very little grey. For the Am Desi, you're either Indian or American. In his twilight zone, there's just not enough room for both.

In a recent CNN-IBN interview, Newsweek's Fareed Zakaria talked about the American-Indian bureaucrat/diplomat's attitude towards India. How they look at India as a 'victim', not as an increasingly powerful force in global politics. The 'victim' view is just part of the larger misplaced impressions that define the Am Desi's view of his brethren.

A warped view in the hands of a relatively influential community can be dangerous at some level. Hindu communities in California were recently insisting chapters on ancient India in sixth-grade school textbooks replace the 'caste' system with 'class' system. And instead of a sentence that went like: 'women had lesser rights than men'; they wanted: 'women had different rights than men'.

So complexed are they about India's past, so insecure about its future, and so clueless about its present, that they will wrest history from the subcontinent, negate it, and replace it with one that is better suited to their wishlist reality.

And when they are done with that, they'll go back to saying 'Oh God, you Indians!'

Grr... the blood boils!